Tuesday, July 08, 2003
kk..so today is monday...
just now i met feli. it was nice as usual. cept at certain pts i really didnt know wat to say to her. because i knew wat today meant. then i just kept quiet. n looked at her. n wondered to myself. god... do u know wat ur actually doing??
seriously i dun. i know getting over her will be hard. but its manageable cos guess wat im not in love with her. there isn't the same hurt and the same burning need to be close to her. if she's not there its not like im gonna die. its not like we have some deep connectione. it's different.
with lin, i cld always feel her presence when she was near. i'd know wat she was thinking about and i knew her from deep within. i cld just look at lin and feel extremely happy. no matter wat i did i'd be thinking about lin. i'd always have her in my mind. and if she wasnt near me i felt suffocated. out of breath. and my head seemed clearer when i just look at her. and i saw it in her eyes wat i was looking for all my life. and i understood all the pain she felt and she understood mine. and though she rarely showed me how she actually felt and wat she wanted express i could feel it in the way she held my hand and told me stuff about herself no one knew. and how she needed me secretly that she had to see me or talk to me when she felt like the earth was crumbling. i was her heart and she was my brain. and together we were perfect.
but with feli... i like her..yes i do.. but i can never truly separate my attraction to her and my genuine liking for her personality. and tt makes me shallow. to say i love her would be a sad cruel joke. because if i said i did then it can only be because i find her completely beautiful. i like her hair. her face.. her smile and that is wat makes me love her so much. i dunno which part of her personality i like. but if i were to say it..wouldnt it be plaina nd just the same way i feel for my other frens. then if tt is true... why can't we just be frens?? this is not love. u dun have the same pain. u dun have the same longing. this is lust. its a need express ur physical and carnal desires. its not love.
so i must stop myself from getting excited at seeing something so gorgeous and confusing it with love. that is to make love mucky. to blothc it and taint it with one of my own purges. i will not screw watever i have left in my heart...watever capability i have to love in a relationship tt will not go anywhere with a woman that doesn't even know the meaning of love.. i dun have time to teach this to her.. neither do i have time to fool ard with my life with a person who will never admit that she loves me... so this is to her and to all the good times.. but this is also to me and all the recovery times.. i will forget watever desires i have for her... bcos frens dun thnk such thoughts... after all she was my fren to begin with..and thkg such things will break the sanctity of frenship..n i can't do tt...
--insignificant lies--
1:31 am
